A blog written in April 2011 which I did not post up until today (3 months late)

As I sit here being doubtful……

About my own life, the only person that I could trust is God.

In the month of lent, I find myself leaning and completely depending on Him.  Being someone who is always in control, I find my life spinning out of control, helpless.

Lately, I noticed that I am unhappy in my workplace. I guess I gave up hope. Being out-spoken and speak my mind out because I have the evident or when I know what I do is right, I was frowned upon by people. Where is the freedom of speech?

I was accepted in a preschool back home, a job I applied without giving much high hope on it. Everyone around me are happy for me, looking forward for my home-coming…yet, why am I not as excited as the others?

I truly understand that I finally get the chance to do my study (yeah!) but I am scare. The fear is not about packing my bags and relocate back home (well, maybe a little), I guess is the fear of being responsible of taking care a class of preschoolers.

 I received positive feedbacks during my job evaluation when I went for my interview. The principal believes in me, the teachers accepted me, so are the children…these people, whom I have just met and worked for merely less than 8 hours, they accepted me on the spot…yet I am afraid.

Afraid of letting these people down. I may not have the best teaching technique, I only know that I need to love , nurture and teach these children like my own when I become the teacher…but then again, is that good enough? 

 God bless

 eD

Acceptance but finding it hard to let go...

Dear Zul...

It has been a week since you left this Earth. You left too quickly and I did not even had the chance to say good-bye.

Everything is back to routine but the place is so different without you. Everyone is coping in different ways but we all miss you very much.

Bird race is next week and memories started to pour in when Adi assigned me to register the bird-race competition participants and also to create children activity for this event. The bird race reminded me alot of our wonderful time in Sandakan when the management gave us the opportunity to experience Sabah's annual bird-race competition.

When we were on the plane, you were so excited. When you struggled with the seat belt, I learnt that it was your first time to be on an aeroplane. You enjoyed the airplane food and asked me to take plenty photos of you. I remembered that I was still scare whenever there is a turbulence.

 Being a first-timer, you assured me and told me plenty of the flying machine's engineer. You said that you are interested in the mechanics of the aeroplane.Do you know that when we were on the plane, you made me realized that I have taken my life for granted? Your excitement on the plane made me realized that not everyone is as lucky as me, to be always on the air...

Our curator, you and I were assigned to join the bird-race competition. Walking quite a distance in the forest was tiring and scary, especially 6 am in the morning but you made the whole journey fun and relaxed. You even volunteered to walk behind me and ended up having leeches sucking your blood around your feet.  Zul, you are sure a gentleman and writing this memory puts a smile on my face.

As we finished the bird-watching competition, you suggested that both you and I should plan to do our own bird watching in the zoo to hunt for free-flying birds. You promised to teach me to identify the different birds species. Although I am a biology graduate, I am awed with your knowledge and how you can quickly name those feathery friends, which to me look all the same. Do you know that after our Sabah trip, I actually made myself to identify some of the birds' name? =)

Bird-watching competition is in less than a week time within the Zoo compound. After being assigned to take charge of this event, it hit me real hard to know that you are really gone... I thought that I have gone through the griefing stages...cried, anger, in denial, acceptance...

Zul, in another month or two, I will be training the bird house keepers on their public speaking skill and have an hour long English speaking lesson. I cannot predict my reaction or emotions when I am conducting this training session at the section where you worked. You have always been my No.1 supporter. How am I able to conduct this training without you being there to motivate me to try harder and never to give up?? Zul, I am feeling helpless...what am I to do without your cheekiness and your sound of laughter? You always laugh at yourself when you try to response to my questions in English when ever I see you in the zoo...I miss you, Zul...I really do miss you...

In two days time, my deadline for Kancil Gazette is due to send for editting by the management. I will be writing a tribute for you. I fear that while typing the tribute to you, I will shed tears..something I told myself not to do so...

Zul, writing the very last page to dedicate for you means that I really have to accept the reality that you are now in heaven, the reality for me to accept that I will never hear your voice and laughter, and never get to see your smile and face anymore. What is more, you will never be there to brighten my day up whenever I am stressed up with my work.

Your advise ' Kita jua penat, eD. Tapi, kita kena selalu happy' (english: we, keepers, are tired too, eD. But we must always be happy)

Two days before you left, you placed Heliconia flowers on my usual braided hair. You said that with those flowers on my hair, they will make me even beautiful. I remembered the camera-crazy you was so occupied to ensure the heliconias stay put on my hair that you did not even pose for the camera during the first and second snaps. I found that strange but brushed that action lightly. I never thought that those photos we had together will be the last one. You even asked me to pose for one photo of myself with the flower deco on my hair.

 Zul, did you know that  your time on this earth was coming to the end? Is that why you wanted to perfect the flower decoration ?

You left us on 26 March and I only write this blog today because I know it is time for me to accept that you are now in heaven. Yet...I am finding it hard to let go...

Zul.....my colleague, my No.1 supporter for English class, and my friend...may you rest in peace. Watch over us in heaven. Make sure you remember to greet me at the gate of heaven when I see you.

You have planted your footprints in my heart. You will always in our memories...always and forever...

God bless

eD

Good bye, Blanca

25 Febuary 2011 marked a day for the zoo when one of our giraffes gave birth to a calf .

Having witnessed giraffe giving birth before, I let my internship students to observe the bith of the baby giraffe. News later came to us that the mother rejecting its young, and that was not the first time. The concept is almost the same. Human abandoned new-born babies into dumpters, toilets and let it rot...

'Well done!' to the keepers and vets who work 24 hours around the clock to take care of new-born animals abandoned by its mother, without complaining .

There are reasons why animal mummies abandoned their babies. In the wild, the mothers abandoned the cubs/calves/kit/ litter because (googled from the internet):

1. does not want to be a mother

2. the mothers may know that something is wrong with her youngs

3. Had difficulties in delivery or poor in health

4. Poor nutrition 

Like it or not, after not weaning for 24 hours, the vets and curator decided to bring the calf into the hospital to start tube-feeding.

I was given an opportunity to spend a night with Blanca, the giraffe  when she was six days old, invited by the curator and the vet. I joined the hospital vet's assistant, hospital keeper, and asked Nira to join me to take care of Blanca.

Blanca is a drama queen, affectionately called by the vet-in-charge. On that afternoon before spending a night with Blanca, the vet taught Nira and I how to tube-feed Blanca. Both of us ended up soaked with Blanca's milk as she was testing us. Then, without any signs, Blanca just leaned her big head on my shoulder, like a baby leaning on his/her mother's shoulder. My heart melt  because I never expected that gesture coming from a giraffe, though only 6 days old, is taller than I am.

Feeding Blanca was like taking care of a human baby. Being first timer, Nira and I felt like first time mother (perhaps in practise for the future?), waking up every 3 hours to make Blanca pee and poo, then make her milk, hugging, reassuring her while trying to put the tube into her mouth so that we can pump the milk through syringe.  Mind you, it was not easy to tube-feed Blanca as she is not a small baby!

Being the forever a drama queen, she is so pampered! We ended up all soaked with milk, banged by her head,  and stepped by her!

Working as team, the vet's assistant hugged Blanca tightly, the keeper insert the tube into Blanca's mouth, Nira patting her rhythmically to sooth her, and I use the syringe to pump the milk into the tube. Each time when she swallowed her milk, we soothed the calf,and continously giving positive feedbacks. The usual one-hour feed turned into 30 minutes feed.

Each time whenever Blanca finished her 1 Litre milk without spilling it or when she peed or pooed, we praised her, telling her that she is a good girl. As for a first timer, Nira and I felt happy and proud of our achievement to know that we managed to coaxed Blanca to drink her milk. Each time after feeding, Blanca is active, starting to play with her tongue, curious of her night shadow and playing with her mouth. It was hillarous! Blanca loved music too and that night, I switched on my laptop and played soft acoustic music for her each time she finished her milk, to help her to relax as tube-feeding can be stressful.

After taking care of Blanca for 24 hours, I went back to my hometown for a short break (2 march).

I came back today on 5 March and learnt that Blanca left us forever suddenly . I was in shocked for the whole day because I was looking forward to check on Blanca's development and wanting to give her a hug for I miss her very much.

Sitting here typing this, I have tears in my eyes. I guess the shock has wear off and the sadness is starting to sink in me...

Dearest Blanca darling. Though I only managed to get to know you, to be with you  for 24 hours yet you have left your hoof-prints on my heart. I am so sorry I did not get the chance to say 'Good bye'. I miss you already. Our time together was short but it was sweet to know that you accepted nira and I instantly, letting us to get close to you, hugging us, loving us and showing your most gentle side...you are almost human, despite the fact that you are a giraffe. Thank you for making me realized how lucky I am to have the chance to work in this organisation. Thank you for making me realized that I, too, am able to love animals deeply, aside from human

Please watch us over as you look down from heaven. Comfort the hospital team as they are very sad upon your sudden departure.

May you rest in peace, dear Blanca.

God bless

 ed